Grief is an emotional process that occurs in response to a loss. While most of us think of death when we hear the word "grief," any loss or change in patterns might cause us to grieve, such as the loss of our routine, in-person relationships, or steady work/learning environments.
The loss of life in New York City as a result of COVID-19 has been staggering. Survivors’ reactions can vary according to age, personality, and one’s ability to understand loss and death. Individuals in the same family may react differently to the same loss, and a wide range of emotional and behavioral responses are common, including changes in sleeping patterns or appetite; sad, angry, or anxious feelings; social isolation; or feeling the person's presence nearby.
Children’s difficulties with grief vary according to a child’s age, developmental level, previous life experiences, emotional health before the loss, and their family and social environments. However a student appears to be coping with loss, it is important to initiate contact with them so that they know that they are supported. Having a good relationship with the student is not enough for them to feel comfortable initiating meaningful conversations with adults about the loss or asking for help.
Although it can feel very awkward to approach a student who has experienced loss, silence actually communicates a lot to young people; it can affirm that they are alone and abandoned, or that nobody cares. Reaching out to grieving students with intentional communication lets them know that you recognize their situation and want to be supportive.
Reluctance, fear, shame, and confusion are all possible reactions students might have to your outreach. Make it clear that you are available if and when they want to speak, and ask if you can reach out to their surviving caregiver(s).
Our goal is not to say the “right” thing to make a student “feel better” - you don’t necessarily have the power to do that. The goal is to create space for the student to speak. You can create space by:
- Expressing concern. Let students know you’ve heard about their loss and are available to listen and offer support in private.
- Inviting the conversation in private with direct, open-ended questions. For example, you can simply ask, “How are you and your family doing?”
- Offering practical advice. For example, discuss ways to respond to questions from peers or adults about the loss, or offer ways to ask for help if the student is having academic difficulty. Try to avoid offering “feel better” techniques, as they might appear to trivialize the situation or be very personal.
- Listening and observing. Share observations about students’ behavior or responses in a nonjudgmental manner, such as, “I noticed you haven’t been sitting in your usual seat and I just wanted to touch base.” Listen more and talk less.
- Limiting personal sharing. You can draw on personal experiences to help better understand students, but do not share details with them. Keep the focus on the student.
- Offering reassurance. Without minimizing their concerns, let students know that over time they will be more able to cope with their distress, and that they are not alone- you will be there to help them along the way.
- Maintaining contact. At first, children may not accept your invitation to talk or offers of support. Their questions and willingness to talk will evolve over time. Remain accessible, curious, and connected.
View our Conversations in the Face of Grief page, which includes suggestions that demonstrate thoughtful and genuine ways to communicate with, and offer connection to, people experiencing grief or exhibiting signs of trauma.
Or click the button below to read more about Grief from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.